The Internet – The clickfish, a mythical yet totally real creature, was captured for the first time in recent memory Saturday morning.
While the Sasquatch in the Pacific Northwest and the Loch Ness Monster in Scotland may be more well-known, the clickfish of the waters near Silicon Valley is the only such creature to have actually been caught by humans.
The clickfish is relatively large, with its weight most commonly described as “you won’t believe how big it is”, and according to legend its eggs are the best eggs of all fish eggs which exist in the world. Caviar made with clickfish eggs would be the most expensive caviar in the world, not only because of its rarity but also because it would actually taste good. Unfortunately, the elusiveness of the clickfish meant there had been no such caviar for decades, and it appeared there never would be, but this all changed on Saturday morning when a team of fishermen who dedicated the past decade to attracting the thing succeeded in luring the fish into their net.
Besides its scarcity and size, the clickfish is also unique because of its telepathic mating call, in which the male sends messages to the female, making sensational claims about itself. Upon intercepting some of those messages within the San Francisco Bay and plugging them into Google Translate, marine biologists deduced that sending out translated sensationalist headlines from the internet would seduce female clickfish, drawing one near the fishing boat and then into the giant net.
The plan worked, leading to excitement among some of the top chefs in the country due to the possibility of clickfish caviar.
Unfortunately, before any eggs could be harvested, the clickfish escaped back into the bay.
What happened next will shock you. So this totally journalistically sound article won’t tell you what happened, because shocking people isn’t nice.