The Barkley Marathons is one of the most difficult feats of endurance which has ever been attempted. It’s like the trip to school – ten miles uphill both ways in the snow – that your older relatives joked to you about, except it’s actually a hundred miles in the mud and you have two and a half days to finish, including a sleep-zapping requirement to complete at least one twenty mile loop every twelve hours. This is so difficult that only one person has finished in the past two years, but almost-seventy-year-old Donald Trump won’t let that stop him from trying.
“I will be the first President to finish the Barkley Marathons,” he said. “President Obama couldn’t do it because he was too busy being weak. President Bush couldn’t do it because he was too busy being lazy. And we all know what President Clinton was too busy doing. But when I’m president, I don’t plan on being very busy at all, so I will have plenty of time to finish this race. So vote Trump, or you may never have an American President who finished the Barkley Marathons.”
When questioned about the difficulty of gaining entry into the race, Mr. Trump did not think it would be difficult for him at all. “I’m Donald freaking Trump,” he laughed. “Of course they’ll let me do it. I can do whatever the hell I want. I tried to sell steaks in the mall and they still let me start new business ventures. I’m not even conservative in most of my political beliefs except when I change them to get votes, and they still let me stay in the Republican Primary until everyone else dropped out. So getting into this race will be no problem. Next question.”
The next question was about the physical difficulty of the race, which also failed to faze Trump. “Did you not hear about my doctor’s note?” he scoffed. “I am in great physical condition. I am in the best physical shape. Do you know what the best means? That’s right, better shape than everyone else, including all these so-called ultramarathoners and endurance specialists who, unlike me, will not finish the race. I will not only finish, but I will win, and faster than anyone else has done before, faster than anyone else will ever do. This is not up for discussion.”
While he would not discuss the previous question any further, he was more than willing to discuss the next question about how he would deal with the requirement to finish each loop within twelve hours, which makes it virtually impossible to get a good night’s sleep. “I don’t sleep much anyway,” he said. “I’ve gone on record saying I don’t need more than four hours of sleep a night, and even when I’m sleeping during the race I will still be walking up hills, tweeting about how great I’m doing and whatever else I tweet about when I use my phone in my sleep.”
“Also,” Trump added, even though no one asked him, “There’s no way Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders could finish this race. Especially Ms. Clinton. Too bad for her the race takes place in Frozen Head Park and not Frozen Heart Park, because if it was Frozen Heart Park then she would feel right at home.”
When asked about his chances in the Barkley Marathons, former track star Bernie Sanders said, “What, are you crazy? Don’t you have better things to talk about? But since you ask, I’d be lucky to get through a mile of that thing, which is still a lot further than Mr. Trump would be able to go.”
Mr. Trump was not asked for a rebuttal, because this reporter has had quite enough of his rambling for one day.