The Internet – TotesRealNews has decided on a preferred candidate for the upcoming election, and that candidate is Vermin Supreme.
The reasons for this endorsement are numerous, meaning numbering more than one. The first reason is Mr. Supreme may be the only candidate from Earth, and the Constitution strongly implies, and perhaps even directly states, that an American President must be from Earth. Donald Trump is clearly from Mars, Bernie Sanders appears to be from Socialist Prime, Gary Johnson is from Notaxistan, which is a planet and not a Former Soviet Republic, and Hillary Clinton is from all over the place. But Vermin Supreme is from Earth, since as many TV shows have made clear the truly strangest individuals are always from Earth – the ones from other planets are merely very, very foreign.
Vermin Supreme is not only from Earth, but also American, which is another important qualification for a president. Naming oneself “Vermin” is the sort of thing which would be done either by an American or a British person, and due to Mr. Supreme’s platform emphasizing dental hygiene, it is quite difficult to believe he could possibly be British.
Mr. Supreme’s qualifications for the presidency extend well beyond the probability that he is a natural-born American citizen. Another strong selling point is his promise of ponies for everyone. Who doesn’t want a pony? If you really think about it, the answer is lots of people. Ponies take up space many people don’t have, and they are a lot of trouble to feed and clean and clean up after. And they don’t even move very quickly. So if you only give ponies to those who still want one even after knowing what they’d be getting into, this is a far more affordable plan than what the other candidates have been proposing. It is easily affordable enough to look past the total lack of clear economic benefits associated with this plan.
Finally, a vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote for improved national security. America has faced numerous threats over the past few decades, with these threats often being supported by widespread international fear of the United States of America. But if the USA was led by someone who looks like the Hogwarts Professor of Making Sure Not to Look Like a Muggle, and also looks like he can’t do any actual magic, then America’s enemies would see little reason to be afraid of the United States, and therefore there would be far fewer attacks.
No matter what party nominates him, or even if he isn’t nominated at all, if you respect the journalistic opinions of TotesRealNews then you should vote for Vermin Supreme in November.
*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.