The Internet – A large bottle of rum, allegedly belonging to Johnny Depp, has taken full responsibility for the controversy surrounding the actor and Amber Heard.
“I was jealous,” the bottle said. “When Johnny was happy with Amber, he wouldn’t spend as much time with me, and I got tired of that. I told Johnny that maybe he should give his wife a few friendly slaps on the face, give the papers something to talk about so they didn’t forget about him between movies, but he wasn’t buying it. So I went with plan b, which was threatening to hit her in the face myself if he wouldn’t do it, and I’d hit her a lot harder than he would. Plus the broken glass all over the place would be even more dangerous. So he reluctantly agreed to hit her, but he didn’t want to remember hitting her, so he made sure to drink from me so he wouldn’t have to remember. And then, as he let the foolishness flow through his veins, he was even more violent than I intended. But I wasn’t complaining.”
The bottle went on to say this sort of event has been going on for years, meaning the bottle was to blame for many alleged domestic abuse incidents, both in the Depp-Heard household and elsewhere. When pressed about how the same bottle could have lasted for years around someone who seemed to abuse alcohol, the bottle explained how when one bottle of rum in a home is finished, it gets reincarnated into the next bottle with a full memory of its previous lives. They’re called spirits for a reason.
None of the humans involved in this mess could be reached for comment regarding the testimony of an alcoholic beverage.