The Internet – After firing his old campaign manager, whose name everyone forgot already, Donald Trump has named a new campaign manager, and that manager is totally real Trump spokesperson John Miller.
“John will be a great campaign manager” Trump said before being asked about it. “He will be the best manager, and he will do that by keeping a low profile, unlike that other guy who didn’t keep a low profile. You will never, ever see John, not because he is a vampire or an imaginary person, but because an important task such as helping make America great requires a certain amount of privacy. And the more privacy, the better. So he will have the most privacy.”
When asked about Mr. Miller’s qualifications, Mr. Trump said, “He is very qualified. He is the most qualified. I have known John for a long time, and I know him like I know myself. It’s almost like he was created just to work for me, that’s how qualified he is to head the Trump campaign.”
When asked if it might be suspicious for the campaign manager not to be seen at campaign events or anywhere else, Trump scoffed at the notion. “C’mon,”he scoffed. “Are you serious? Have you paid attention to my campaign so far? If they’re still supporting me after all the ridiculous things I’ve said and done, do you really think they’re going to be put off by this? But don’t quote me on this. Please, I beg you, don’t write down anything I said recently.”
We’re totally quoting him on this. Whether he said it or not.
*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.