The Internet – In a meeting yesterday which was supposed to be top secret but wasn’t, music industry bigwigs came together to decry the relative lack of substance in hit music, as well as to try to remedy the situation.
“When I was seven years old,” said one executive, “all I cared about in a song was how much fun it was to listen to. But now, as a full-grown adult, I find myself longing for music to speak to me in a way which makes me think, and lately the closest any song has come to doing that is kind of a re-hashing of Cat’s In The Cradle. I’m sorry, I don’t care how much money Bieber songs bring in, I can’t love or even respect myself continuing to put so much fluff on the airwaves.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” said another. “If you really pay attention to what’s going on in this election, Hillary Clinton seems like a dangerous woman when it comes to foreign policy, and the fact it looks like either her or Trump has really got me stressed out. And I can’t stop the feeling running through my mind that maybe if there were less songs about sex and non-political parties and more songs about the importance of being politically active and educated we wouldn’t be in this sort of mess.”
At that point, a laptop used by a prominent EDM producer started shooting lasers across the room. Not the kind used at a harmless light show, but the kind Dr. Evil wanted to use on Austin Powers. The laptop did not appear to be shooting randomly, as it struck and killed the two executives who suggested maybe there should be more to music than just a good beat. The others escaped, and the few who were able to shake off their nerves enough to speak vowed to continue making the sort of music which won’t get them killed.
The computer is not expected to face trial, since computers don’t kill people, people who try to make executive decisions to make the music industry more socially conscious kill themselves by upsetting computers.