The Internet – Donald Trump claimed to have issued an executive order yesterday legalizing all fireworks, even though he is not president, has never been president, and quite possibly never will be president.
According to Trump, he is authorized to issue an executive order because “Crooked Hillary will be going to jail, and I won’t be because I have the best lawyers, so I will be president and she won’t so we might as well stop wasting time and let me do executive orders already.”
When pressed on the issue that even if Donald Trump somehow managed to get elected, Barack Obama will still be president for the rest of the year, Trump was nonplussed. “Barack Hussein Obama is not the president. My people, the very smart people I surround myself with, tell me the Constitution says you have to be an American citizen for your whole life to be president, and lots and lots of my supporters know for a fact that Obama was born in Kenya so he’s not a citizen. Lots and lots of people can’t be wrong, can they? Of course not. So because Obama can’t be president and Crooked Hillary is going to jail that means I’m president and I can make executive orders. End of story.”
Of course, that was not the end of Donald Trump’s story about legalizing fireworks, as he said bottle rockets should be allowed for all Americans, except for the ones he has said shouldn’t be in America and are therefore not Americans according to an additional executive order. He said these rights to use currently illegal fireworks would be extended nationwide, since while he is generally for state’s rights, Making America Great trumps state’s rights, and nothing makes America greater than a loud, bright color display to distract the people from their struggles and from the world in general.
In spite of this attempted executive order, Trump made it clear that no fireworks of any kind will be allowed at his next rally because: “Let’s be serious here. Between you and me, we both know what my supporters are like, and I need them to have some fingers left so they can vote in November.”