The Internet – Someone is stealing clocks, as well as tampering with the ones which cannot be stolen, and investigators who are definitely not police officers are trying to find out who has been doing it before any more damage is caused.
There have been no reported instances of clocks being stolen or tampered with, but it is happening. It must be happening. It is the only remotely logical explanation for what’s been going on. And if people notice the crime, they have neglected to report it, intentionally, because of what’s been happening to people who have had recent interactions with police officers.
The reason why these unnamed authorities are searching for leads on clock-related crime is related to the idea that tragedy plus time equals comedy. There have been plenty of tragedies, but there seems to be no time in between them to be able to process what happened and filter through the madness to find the kernel of humor inside it. And there’s absolutely no logical way officers of the law – those who are tasked to protect the people against needless tragedy – would be the ones perpetrating such atrocities twice in a 24-hour-period. There’s no way. So the reason why the American people are so overwhelmed by tragedy that it’s nearly impossible to make a joke about it is that someone, or multiple people, stole clocks and tampered with others to take away our sense of time and make us think hardly any time passed at all when in fact it’s been days or weeks or months.
Who knows why such horological horrors would be perpetrated? Most likely no one, as it doesn’t really make any sense, but it’s not significantly less senseless than that’s been going on in the actually real, non-satirical, news lately. Or possibly not so lately if the USA’s sense of time truly has become as disoriented as much of its citizenry’s moral compass.