The Internet – Speaking in front of a small crowd at his Presidential Library in Dallas Monday afternoon, former President George Walker Bush apologized for his eight years in office, claiming it was a combination of a joke and a social experiment which got a bit out of hand.
The former “Decider” sounded eloquent and reserved, employing the manner of speaking one would expect from an Ivy League graduate born into a family with a long history of success in American politics, rather than the bumbling pseudo-cowboy persona which he had become known for. This change was somewhat refreshing, but also confusing.
According to the man called Dubya, he started developing his cowboy persona at a relatively young age as a way to be different, a way to be somebody besides the political scion who might always be stuck in his father’s shadow. This personal philosophy led him to become an extremely successful male cheerleader, but it also sent him down a path of self-destructive rebellion from which he would not emerge until he was about forty years old.
Once he gained some control of his life, George Bush the Younger used his family’s considerable clout to start moving up in the world, gaining experience as a business owner and then as the Governor of Texas. While governor, he realized that not only could he still possibly be president despite his history of addiction and incompetence, but it might be inevitable. So he gave the possibility of becoming president some serious thought.
After a bit of quiet contemplation, he realized he did not have the intelligence or the experience to be a great president. And he certainly didn’t want to be a forgettable head-of-state like his father except not as good at being president. But he had another idea how he could be memorable. So he decided to bring back his cowboy character full-time, starting with the primaries and keeping it up as long as necessary, and if elected he would see how far he could go with this joke of a character before other members of government used their powers of checks and balances to put a stop to the charade.
When he became President, Mr. Bush found out there was no one stopping him at first, so he became even more extreme. He gave the Bond villain who had become his vice president significant influence in policy-making. He decided to ignore Bin Laden, who attacked Americans in America, in order to go after Saddam Hussein, who had done nothing of the sort. And still nothing. He continued to pursue a war against “terrorism” with no end in sight, and the rest of government continued to do nothing to stop him. Not only that, but the people failed to vote against him in large enough numbers to stop him from getting a second term. What was supposed to be a brief and hilarious experiment, leading to a short stay in office and a lucrative career talking about the experience, had turned into a nightmare.
But he couldn’t quit. Not anymore. After the way the Republican Party had supported all his ridiculous policies and initiatives, he couldn’t say he was only kidding without totally destroying the GOP forever. And Cheney turned out to be worse than previously thought, so resigning and leaving Scowly McShootface in charge was not an option. He had to keep going, like Macbeth through the sea of blood, but this sea never ended until his eight years were up and he could go home and hide from the public.
Which he did. He kept hiding for years, hardly ever going near a camera or a news reporter. He still had some respect for the Republican Party, in spite of their continued refusal to put sensible politics over party loyalty, so he didn’t want to risk destroying them. But now that they nominated Trump and reached a point of lunacy which made them not even remotely the Party of Lincoln, and barely even the Party of Reagan, he figured there was nothing to lose by finally making his confession.
This totally happened, even if he gets cold feet and denies it if anyone ever asks him about this speech. Other news outlets are unlikely to report on it, not because this is totally made up, but because the small audience did not include any reporters for any other members of the press.
Yup, that’s it.