The Internet – Bilbo Baggins, possibly the most famous hobbit in the world, is back in the news due to another epic robbery, but this time he was victim rather than the perpetrator.
Mr. Baggins, 110, first gained local and international prominence after hooking up with twelve dwarves on a journey to the Lonely Mountain in order to steal treasure from the notorious fire-breathing dragon Smaug. Since Smaug was considered a villainous figure who came upon his wealth by immoral methods, Bilbo’s involvement in taking the ill-gotten wealth away was widely hailed as heroic.
Due to this public admiration, as well as his association with Gandalf the Wizard from the far West, Mr. Baggins was able to hold on to his share of Smaug’s treasure unbothered for almost sixty years. This changed this weekend, however, when Bag End suffered a robbery unprecedented in the history of the Shire. The celebrated hobbit hole found some of its rooms to be much less crowded due to the removal of at least ten million United States dollars’ worth of jewelry, including all sorts of precious gems and gold and silver and one “extremely valuable ring.” Mr. Baggins declined to discuss this ring in detail except to say that it was “a priceless memento from my travels and very important to me and I want it back immediately thank you very much.”
Two members of Bilbo Baggins’ family, Otho and Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, were skeptical about the circumstances of the robbery. “I doubt this was a robbery at all,” Lobelia told reporters. “The old fool just wants everyone to think the treasure is gone so he doesn’t have to give it to his closest relatives when he finally goes to the big hobbit hole in the sky.”
Otho added, “We’re his closest relatives. He doesn’t want to give his treasure to us. Unless it’s an insurance scam. It could be one of those also. Who knows? Point is, everyone pays too much attention to him already so you should all forget about it and stop giving him even more news coverage.”
When reached for further comment, Bilbo Baggins declined to respond, as he was too busy blubbering about the loss of his “precious” ring, whatever that means.
During the writing of this article, Gandalf of the West found most of the treasure, intact, on the Sackville-Bagginses’ property. Everything except for the silverware. Allegedly to avoid exacerbating already strained familial relations, Bilbo agreed not to press charges and not to speak of this robbery ever again.
Except for the silverware. He plans on complaining about the silverware for the rest of his life as long as he doesn’t get it back, and the way he’s going it appears he may live forever.