A top-secret Star Trek project by someone who will not be named in order not to potentially embarrass the writer, a project which is so preliminary that even the writer’s friends and family didn’t know this person was working on it, has been intercepted by an anonymous hacking group not called Anonymous, and now the first few pages of the script are available. Here. In a TotesRealNews exclusive.
This new film follows a semi-alternative timeline in which the events of the first six movies happened, but the events in the other movies did not. Which is how the Fountain of Youth theme is allowed to be explored again, although this time with older characters than in Star Trek: Insurrection. It is set to star William Shatner, Nichelle Nichols, George Takei, and Walter Koenig reprising their roles from the original series, reunited after decades apart for one final mission. It is also set to star Joe Pesci returning after a long semi-retirement in order to play a fictional version of himself who was transported to a magical planet with a hard-to-reach Fountain of Youth, which enabled him to live there for hundreds of years.
And now, without further ado, here are the exclusive leaked pages of this totally real and super-serious Star Trek project:
Ext. Simbala – Simbala is a lush tropical planet with ample vegetation, yet enough room between the trees to have a proper scene without having some cast members blocked from view by the plants. On this planet, whose name suggests both a mythical land from Eastern traditions and a modern cartoon lion whose species should put the audience in mind of a certain famous explorer, the remaining Enterprise crew can be seen in one shot. This crew consists of KIRK, SULU, UHURA, and CHEKOV. In addition to these four remaining crew members, the audience can also see a charging lion.
KIRK
Captain Sulu, take out your hand torpedo and shoot that thing.
SULU
Yes Admiral. I will grab the torpedo with my hand and shoot something warm from it. I will shoot it hard. Oh Myyyyyy.
KIRK
Stop. With the innuendos. And just. Do it. Already!
SULU
Don’t tell me to stop with innuendos and then tell me to just do it. That joke is wayyyy too easy.
KIRK
Dammit, Sulu! The lion. Is almost. Here!
As the lion leaps to attack its elderly prey, UHURA takes out her hand torpedo and shoots the lion, which falls back without hitting anyone.
KIRK
Thank you, Commander. I would kiss you, but you are. Old.
UHURA
You’re not so young yourself, James.
CHEKOV
The march of time stops for no one. Except for those lost.
KIRK
Which reminds me. Where is everyone else? We should not. Be out in space. At. Our age. Without a doctor.
CHEKOV
Bones? He’s wed, Jim.
KIRK
Sorry to hear that.
CHEKOV
No reason to be sorry. He is wed to his beautiful wife and they have children and grandchildren. (pause) Now I see the reason for confusion. You think I still have strong Russian accent after fifty years. But I no longer have strong accent. Only quirky speech patterns.
KIRK
Good for you. Now what about Scotty?
CHEKOV
You hadn’t heard? He beamed up to great transporter room in the sky.
KIRK
And Christine?
CHEKOV
Alas, she is now in the Celestial Chapel.
KIRK
And Spock? What about Spock?
CHEKOV
If he was alive, he’d be here right now. Simple logic, Admiral.
KIRK
There. Must. Be. Some. Way. To pause time. So we don’t. Lose anyone else. If I stall. Long enough. Perhaps we will find. It.
As music plays suggesting perhaps they will find it after all, JOE PESCI walks through the trees and into the clearing. He looks the same as he does in real life in 2017.
JOE PESCI
Hey! What’s up with you geezers? You lost or somethin’?
SULU
Oh Myyyyyyy!
JOE PESCI
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the compliment, but I ain’t interested in you that way.
SULU
I beg your pardon? I was merely expressing amazement that you bear such a striking resemblance to the famous Earth actor Joe Pesci. But you look older than he does in the movies.
JOE PESCI
Whaddya mean, older? Like 20 years older, or more than three hundred years older?
SULU
The first one, of course.
JOE PESCI
Good. I look a bit older because I took some time off from movies before coming here. But I’m really a lot older. Everyone here’s much older than they look. We got ninety-year-olds who look like youts. Simbala’s full of youts you―
KIRK
Please. Do not call my officer anything derogatory. Or you will regret it.
JOE PESCI
You didn’t have to cut me off. I was just clarifying that the place is kinda magical, so it seems to be full of youts.
UHURA
Despite my extensive linguistic studies, I can’t say I know that word. It sounds like someone from the Earth place called Utah, but that doesn’t make sense in the context.
JOE PESCI
Not Utes. Youts. Non-geriatrics. People who are the opposite of youse.
UHURA
How did they get that way?
JOE PESCI
Through the quenching waters of the Fountain of Yout, of course. We’ve got one of them here. It’s great. One drink will stop aging for years.
KIRK
Take us there. Now.
JOE PESCI
Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Not just anyone can drink from the Fountain of Yout.
KIRK
I am James Tiberius Kirk. I am a space exploration legend.
JOE PESCI
Do you think that matters here? None of that matters. All that’s important is you have to pass a series of tests to earn your drinking rights. And since you are obviously a group, as long as someone in your group passes then you all pass.
CHEKOV
That doesn’t sound very difficult at all.
JOE PESCI
You’d think that, wouldn’t you? The tests you got are not the same as the ones I got, and even I did not always pass. If I did, I’d’ve not only stopped aging, but reversed it.
KIRK
Get. On. With. It. Already! What. Is. The first test?
JOE PESCI
For youse guys? The Bechdel Test.
SULU
Oh, Nooooooooooo!
