The Internet – The Oreo Cookie brand recently announced a contest offering five hundred thousand dollars to whoever comes up with the next Oreo flavor, and there may be no one who is more excited about this than Donald Trump. He is so enthused about this competition that he has made it his top priority, promising not to even talk to the media for the next week, because he will be busy thinking of a new flavor.
Before going into his self-imposed media exile, Trump reminded detractors that five hundred thousand dollars is a lot of money, and it could go a long way toward fixing an infrastructure issue which otherwise might remain unaddressed. The president declined to say whether the money would actually go to fixing problems within America, as opposed to paying for legal fees or simply stashing the money away somewhere, but Trump reiterated that he is “extremely rich” and looked insulted that some reporters seemed to think he wanted the money for selfish reasons.
He also appeared offended at the suggestion he might not win, and shared some of the ideas he’d submitted already:
- Saltwater-filled Oreos, called “Tears of the Haters, of Which There are Many.” The outsides of the cookies would be extra-strong in order to avoid sogginess, and those saying the name is too long are part of the inspiration for this flavor.
- Sugar and fat within the filling are reduced to the point that the cookies have much lower levels of caloric energy than regular Oreos. This flavor is called “Jeb Bush.”
- A butter and jelly flavor called “Hillary Clinton.” This is because of how jealous Ms. Clinton must be because Donald Trump is president and Hillary Clinton is not, and also because of the “but her emails” controversy which helped swing the election to Trump. And instead of being spread throughout the cookie in the traditional matter, the butter and jelly will be in crisscrossing crooked lines.
Mr. Trump also shared an idea which Jeff Sessions told him about, an all-white Oreo. Not like the light wafers which already exist, but the whole cookie would be whiter than Mike Pence. Mr. Sessions told Mr. Trump this idea in confidence, as the Attorney General was reluctant to submit the idea in case it won and the media used this as proof of Jeff Sessions’ racism, but Mr. Trump saw nothing wrong with sharing this information, so he did.
When asked why he needed time to come up with more ideas when he already had such great ideas, Mr. Trump replied that those suggestions were jokes, because no one would want Jeb Bush or Hillary Clinton in their mouth, but with time he’d come with a truly great flavor. Perhaps one which captured the essence of Donald Trump. But to do so, he needs to stop being distracted with talk of investigations and special prosecutors and potential impeachment.
He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to hear about it. So Mr. Trump will be holed up in his room eating Oreos and trying to come up with new flavors until all this Russia talk goes away, or until he is forced to leave the bed and start doing president stuff. And since president stuff is far less appetizing than Double Stuf, Mr. Trump will be angrier than usual if he has to do that.
Due to their previous history, the Babadook was contacted about this situation and asked if he would consider scaring some sense into the president, but he responded that the current political environment was such a horror show that his presence would be redundant.