A new storm called Don recently arrived in the Caribbean Sea, and Donald Trump immediately called a press conference to discuss this new development instead of talking about the health care bill or his approval ratings. The president spoke for several minutes, explaining why he felt this storm should be classified as a hurricane as well as why it should lengthen its name.
The entire speech is reproduced here:
You might have heard about the big news from today, the new storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Great sea, the Caribbean. Beautiful beaches, beautiful people. Many people were telling me it’s such a great place that I should have built many hotels there, but I had to tell them no because my hotels are always huge and it’s not a good idea to build towers when they have yuuuge windy storms there all the time.
As you know, one of those storms started there today, and people are calling it Don. Listen, people. Let’s call it what it is. It’s Donald. Don is short for Donald. I mean, it’s not Donatello. No one’s named that anymore, and that’s a turtle name. Turtles are slow. No one is going to be worried about winds going two, three miles an hour. That hardly even affects my golf game, which let me tell you is getting much better. It’s not Adonis either. It’s Donald. That’s its name. Deal with it.
Now Hurricane Donald, and it is Hurricane Donald and not this wimpy Tropical Storm Don, is really windy. Donalds in general are very windy. So full of wind. Wind coming from everywhere. It’s a breath of fresh air, and then a breath of not-so-fresh air, but we don’t have to talk about that second part, do we? We do not. We are talking about all the wind blown by Donalds, and this new hurricane is definitely a Donald, and because it is a Donald there will be so much wind. It will be gusting bigly.
It will be powerful too. So powerful. Powerful and destructive. Donalds destroy everything they touch, and this storm will be no exception. Businesses, marriages, public respect for family members…this hurricane is going to destroy all of them because it will be so strong. The strongest. Other hurricanes, which are the only family this hurricane has, will be ashamed of how weak they are next to Hurricane Donald. It’ll be amazing, really.
This will be the greatest hurricane of all time. So much more wind and rain than the others, especially Hurricane Hilary, which was a nasty storm. Such a nasty storm, but my storm is going to be bigger. And this is not just because it is Hurricane Donald. There are other reasons, but they have to stay secret because if the hurricane hears too much it will know about my plan to defeat it and that will make the battle much more difficult than it needs to be.
But I will defeat this hurricane, that I can tell you. No storm can stand against me because I am the windiest, most destructive Donald of them all.
Immediately following this speech, Sarah Huckabee Sanders declared that she needed to look for Sean Spicer and then she quickly disappeared from view.