Donald Trump, who is still the President of the United States of America, gave a speech this morning explaining why popular musicians, and not Donald Trump, are to blame for the crisis in Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria. He gave this speech not to the general public, but to a small group of real news reporters, none of whom were allowed to bring writing utensils or audio recording devices. This was a problem for the other reporters in attendance, but not for the TotesRealJournalist in attendance who used perfect recall to reproduce the speech below.
The liberal fake news media is trying to tell everyone that the terrible situation in Puerto Rico is my fault, but they are wrong. Nothing is my fault, so I’m not responsible for this. What the media isn’t telling you is how popular music made this happen, and since they won’t tell you, I will.
One of these songs which hurt Puerto Rico is one called Believer by a group called Imagine Dragons. First of all, what kind of name is Imagine Dragons? I mean, I always go to bed with a clear conscience to get my three hours of sleep, and now they want me to think about dragons flying around with fiery breath and burning all my money? I wouldn’t sleep at all and then I’d be really cranky and no one would like that, believe me. But anyway, this song Believer, and I’ve been saying I’m a believer in religious stuff for about two years now, talks about how pain and suffering made the guy singing the song a stronger person. So is it really that unreasonable for me to believe, after listening to that song, that letting the people of Puerto Rico suffer would be good for them?
Of course it isn’t, because I am always reasonable. Moving on.
Another one is the new song by Taylor Swift. Who is great. If I wasn’t so busy doing president stuff I’d probably be dating her, and then she’d make the most beautiful song after I broke up with her. But anyway, her song is all about being made to do something, and it’s not good that she did this thing. Meanwhile, Democrats and other people kept trying to get me to lift shipping restrictions to get things to Puerto Rico since the Puerto Ricans are apparently too lazy to get those things themselves, and these people almost made me take action sooner but I listened to this song for inspiration to not let them make me do anything. Couldn’t hold out forever, but thanks to this song I held out a really long time and am still not doing enough.
There’s also this song called Bodak Yellow, it’s one of those rap music songs, and it is really popular right now so of course I know what it is. Bodak, of course, is a country in Africa which is having a really tough time because of yellow fever, and I haven’t been able to help them because the fake news media keeps fighting with me and telling me Bodak is not a country, which would be even sadder if the song didn’t tell me not to help anyone. The rap lyrics in this rap song are about having a lot of money and a lot of nice things and not wanting to do anything nice for anyone else, which as everyone knows is not the way I usually act even though I am very rich, but this is the most popular song in the country right now so obviously this is how people want me to act, so I have been using it as inspiration to not help Bodak or Puerto Rico.
But there is no song which did more to help me make my decision to not do very much than the one called Despacito. Despacito is a Spanish word which means slowly. Slowly is an adverb, and when you are doing something slowly you are being slow with your action. Slow is a four letter word which means the opposite of fast. And in this song they keep saying to do things slowly, and this is a song which comes from Puerto Rico which is an island in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean, so that means in Puerto Rico they want things done slowly. And then I give them hurricane relief slowly and they complain. Do they even know what they want? Who knows. But I don’t have any advisors worth listening to so I do what the songs tell me to do.
Sometimes the advice from the songs turn out to be maybe not the best advice, so Puerto Rico is a disaster right now and the songs made it worse.
But really not sorry.
That might have been more ridiculous than Trump’s comments about Puerto Rico which were published on Twitter and the mainstream media. Not definitively so, but maybe.
Looks like it will be up to the American people to help their fellow Americans in Puerto Rico, even through the proposed tax plan is likely to make it increasingly difficult for all but the super-wealthy to be able to afford to make a donation.