As a follow-up to their declaration of pornography as a public health risk, Florida’s lawmakers have been hard at work trying to figure out how to protect the state’s children in case a school is attacked with pornography.
At the present point in time, someone could simply walk into a school with an iPad and start playing pornography for everyone to see, or at least everyone within a few feet of the screen, which could be dozens of students once word spreads about what’s going on. Sure, eventually a school official could confiscate the device, but not before the damage is done. And that is why the Florida Legislature has approved funding to help students and teachers prepare for porn attacks.
The training will involve anti-porn activists coming into schools, much like anti-drug activists visited classrooms during the DARE program. These activists will employ arguments such as “you might go blind” and “you might get pregnant” to convince students not to look at pornography. If a porn-wielding maniac enters the school and attempts to cause problems, other students will be taught to look away. If they have to close their eyes while walking and they crash into a wall or worse, that is a small health risk compared to the danger of laying eyes on pornography.
When there is an active porn displayer situation, student will also be taught to shout slogans such as “porn is for cornballs” and “only buttheads watch pornography.” Students will be assured that this will embarrass the person showing the pornography and perhaps those choosing to watch it, but it will certainly not cause any ridicule for the people shouting such things.
Students will be instructed to not, under any circumstances, tackle the porn displayer, as that will result in extremely close exposure to the dangerous visual content. Instead, students and teachers will be trained to throw books, erasers, and the buckets of water which will be placed on hooks in every hallway in case such a situation arises, never to be touched otherwise.
Finally, since this is Florida, as a last resort it may be permissible to shoot a “porn-carrying sicko.” Anything to protect the innocent eyes of these poor schoolchildren who would never be exposed to any obscene images if not for school pornings.