The People’s Democratic Lovey-Dovey Not-A-Dictatorship Republic of Malicia is in the news again, this time not for its numerous human rights violations but for its new peace accord with the United States of America.
Malicia is a small nation between Russia and Iran which is often left off maps because cartographers feel dirty even writing its name. Its leader, a man called General Vengeance, has been repeatedly admonished by both Vladimir Putin and Ayatollah Khamenei for his extreme strongarm tactics. Despite this, Malicia has never been invaded, most likely due to its surprising lack of natural resources and treacherous terrain. But no nation had specifically promised to never invade Malicia until today, when President Trump proudly signed the pact.
Most of the media did not cover this event, because most members of the field are afraid to go somewhere that imprisons journalists the moment they are discovered to be journalists. Fortunately, for some reason the Malician Police Squad did not consider Heck Yes News to be a journalistic outfit, so we were able to witness the top-secret ceremony where Donald Trump declared General Vengeance to be his new best friend. Trump also praised the unabashed tyrant, who once sentenced a man to unarmed tiger combat for sneezing near him, for his ability to get rid of the fake news media. Trump also praised the absence of illegal immigrants, and of dissenters, and the extremely low poverty rates within the non-incarcerated population.
The incarcerated population is about ten times larger than the non-incarcerated population, a fact which was not mentioned at the treaty signing.
Despite the sparse media coverage, news of this conference reached several presidential candidates, and Heck Yes News has compiled some of the better sound bites, listed below.
Biden: Why are you asking me to focus on a country which we pretend doesn’t exist, instead of letting me focus on defeating Donald Trump?
Williamson: The way I see it is, this General Vengeance person is full of toxic energy, and if we as a country let him into our lives then he will poison us. I’m all for forgiveness when it is earned, but until he shows he’s ready to fix himself we should be saying “Bye Malicia.” Get it? That’s a meme.
Sanders: Now listen up. We know that General Vengeance is a very bad person, which is probably why Donald Trump likes him so much. Yes, he got rid of poverty, but this is not the way things should be done. When I am president, I will strive to fix income inequality and other economic issues not by throwing poor people in jail, but by implementing workable solutions which will benefit all the people.
Harris: If I were president, the only way I would have entered peace talks with General Vengeance is if he freed all the unjustly imprisoned citizens of Malicia, decreased the military budget in order to concentrate on infrastructure, and spent at least one year as a third base prospect within the Arizona Diamondbacks organization.
Yang: This is a prime example of the horrors that can occur when a society is denied the potential for upward mobility and trickle-up economic growth. Which is precisely why we need a universal basic income.
Inslee: This pains me to hear. Malicia has an abysmal sociopolitical environment. And speaking of the environment…
Warren: I know you guys expect me to come up with a ten-point plan to fix the Malicia situation, but I’m kinda busy right now. I’ll get you three points in a day or two.
Mayor Pete: (Unintelligible noises. Presumably, he is speaking Malician.)
Hickenlooper: At least they aren’t socialists.