Demogorgon Ban Passes House Along Partisan Lines

The United States House of Representatives voted 230-190 Friday afternoon to officially ban private demogorgon ownership and use within the USA. This vote, which will not be covered by the traditional media because they are not comfortable talking about demogorgons, was the last congressional vote until after Labor Day and it was decided largely along partisan lines, with most Democrats supporting the ban and most Republicans against it.

This bill outlined the various reasons why demogorgons are good for nothing except causing death and destruction and unbearable misery, and thus should not be allowed within the civilian population as weapons or otherwise.

First of all, they are impractical weapons for home defense. One reason for this is they need to be kept safely locked away when your home is not being invaded, so by the time you retrieve the weapon it may be too late. Additionally, they are highly unreliable weapons which may be just as likely to destroy your home as they are to hit the intended target.

The impracticality of using demogorgons as hunting weapons was also emphasized. Even if they attacked the animal they were supposed to, it would not be a clean kill. There would be large, inconvenient holes in the carcass, making it unfit for human consumption or hunting lodge walls.

And while this is more difficult to prove, it seems that having demogorgons around changes people. Possibly turns their whole personalities upside down. Those who normally would not have the courage to attack others, and possibly wouldn’t even have the desire to hurt anyone without demogorgons around, seem to turn into vicious and violent monsters thanks to the accessibility of these weapons.

The combination of these reasons was enough for the Democrats and a handful of Republicans to vote for a demogorgon ban. But most Republicans were not convinced.

One large faction, led by Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, said that games, mostly video games, were the reason for the attacks and not the demogorgons themselves. One year they attacked in connection with a Dungeons and Dragons game, which is not a video game but still involves a lot of violence and is therefore not safe. Then the next year the killings were connected to an arcade, which is obviously full of video games. Then it was at a mall with video games inside of it. Therefore, the problem is with violent games and not demogorgons so there is no need to ban demogorgons.

Rep Steve Scalise, who survived a demogorgon attack not long ago, also came out strongly against the ban. He said that the only way to stop a bad guy with a demogorgon is a good guy with a demogorgon. This was countered by the fact Dustin Henderson was a good guy with a demogorgon and that wasn’t helpful, which prompted Mr. Scalise to reply that this was only because Dustin Henderson was a child who wasn’t trained in proper demogorgon use. This resulted in several head-desk collisions.

Also strongly against the bill was Louie Gohmert, who had this to say:

¬†Everyone is so upset about the demogorgon killing Sam Gamgee. He called himself Bob Newby but we know who he really was. He was an illegal immigrant who deserved what he had coming to him. How do you even cross the border from Middle-Earth to regular Earth? Not legally, I can tell you that. And not only was he illegal, but he was a cheater who abandoned Rosie Cotton and didn’t even tell Joyce that he was married. And I’ll tell you another thing: that Eleven girl acts like she’s possessed by the devil. She didn’t get those powers from Jesus. He walked on water, he didn’t push the whole sea into Egypt. So if she’s against the demogorgons then I’m on whatever side she ain’t.

 

He kept going for a few minutes after that, until Speaker Pelosi finally cut him off and held the vote.

The follow-up vote is scheduled to take place in the Senate when Congress reconvenes, but it is not expected to pass, as over half the Senate is believed to be controlled by the Mind Flayer.

 

 

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