Baby Jesus Is Crying Again

Things are less than heavenly in the Celestial Plane due to some unwelcome noise, with that noise being the crying of Baby Jesus. The baby, who is the infant form of Jesus and coexists with Grown-Up Jesus, started this violent, tear-filled tantrum about twenty minutes ago and has shown no sign of stopping.

There has been much speculation regarding what has caused Baby Jesus to cry. There is one school of thought which blames the tears on women choosing to end their pregnancies after zygotes have been formed in their bodies, a practice expressly forbidden by numerous religious authorities. Similar people also theorize that the tears might be due to same-sex relationships and marriages and wedding cakes, the first of which is forbidden by a couple of bible verses which are thought to be mistranslated. They might think Baby Jesus is crying due to violent video games or people having too much fun in general, but none of that is true. Baby Jesus does not care about these things.

A different, more liberal school of speculators believes the tears of Baby Jesus might be due to atrocities committed by ICE and within the camps by the US-Mexico border. Or by the numerous cases of police brutality in recent years and the NFL’s continued refusal to hire Colin Kaepernick for what seem to be purely political reasons. Or the terrifying frequency of mass shootings within the USA and the Republican-led government’s refusal to do anything about it. Or the Amazon rainforest burning down. Or the Amazon corporation’s controversial business practices. Or that not only is Donald Trump still president, but deranged populists around the world have been elected to the head of their respective governments. But no, Baby Jesus is not bothered by any of this. Maybe you should be, but Baby Jesus doesn’t care.

Baby Jesus is crying because he is a baby. Crying a lot is what babies do. There is probably a reason, but that reason is not the news. Case closed.

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