Benevolent Russian Oligarchs Helped Struggling Billionaire Secure Loan

Years ago, a famous billionaire needed money. This billionaire was famous for being rich, as well as for some things which should have made family-values conservatives lose all respect for him, but everyone knew he was a wealthy and successful businessman. And yet when he needed money to grow his businesses to become more wealthy and successful, most banks wouldn’t give him the money.

This billionaire’s difficulty securing loans was due to silly reasons like his casino properties kept losing money and so did his poorly-planned vanity businesses, so banks didn’t think he’d be able to pay them back. Just because he was losing almost a billion dollars a year. Of course he was good for the money, since everyone knew he was very rich and very successful, but the banks didn’t know this and so they were firm in their refusal.

This situation looked dire for this plucky billionaire go-getter, but then benevolent Russian oligarchs stepped in to help him out. Purely out of the goodness of their hearts. As billionaires themselves, they couldn’t stand to see another billionaire suffer, so they put their own financial futures on the line in order to co-sign loans at Deutsche Bank for this American billionaire so that he could get back on his feet. For this, they demanded nothing in return.

Almost nothing, anyway. And it was more of a suggestion of reciprocity than an outright demand. Small business favors, everyone does it, nothing for the media to get worked up about. And maybe some bigger favors if this billionaire ever became president, but of course this was never happening, he had no political experience and far too many scandals in his personal life, so why worry about it? Barely even a thought.

As the title says, these are benevolent oligarchs who did nice things to a fellow billionaire for the sake of being nice. And maybe they expected some nice things in return so they could continue being nice and not accidentally ruin their American friend’s life, but that’s just they way good people do business, da?

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