In an early morning meeting about the threat posed to Florida by Hurricane Dorian, President Trump made some unconventional suggestions, including importing a horde of honey badgers to fight the hurricane.
The president, who reportedly spent some of last night watching YouTube videos on his phone, touted the impressive fighting abilities of the honey badger, claiming that while most animals would be frightened of hundred mile an hour winds, the honey badgers wouldn’t care. They would just keep slapping and slapping until the storm gave up and sulked off to Mexico, which is “what Mexico deserves for not paying for the wall.”
Trump also insisted that they only get male honey badgers, since he heard that honey badgers are very nasty and he doesn’t like nasty women.
The others at the meeting told the president they would “look into it,” but when Trump demanded immediate action they had to tell him that they would not be getting honey badgers. First of all, by the time they could fly halfway around the world and pay expert wildlife trappers to capture the honey badgers and then take another long flight to Florida, the storm would have moved on. Or it would be too windy for the plane to land. And no plane would allow honey badgers on it.
But even if they got the honey badgers, the ferocious mammals would not attack the storm. But the honey badgers probably would attack a bunch of chickens and maybe some cattle, and at least one Florida Man would try to fight a honey badger with disastrous results.
Undeterred, Mr. Trump inquired about Kirby, wondering if the video game character was based on a real creature which the Deep State kept hidden all these years. If so, Kirby could suck in the storm, and then Kirby’s hurricane power could be unleashed upon China unless China agreed to favorable trade deals. Trump’s staffers said they’d look into it, and then they said no.
Finally, Mr. Trump suggested using Magic Missile to “attack the wetness.” He clarified that this was a magic missile, and not a nuclear missile like Fake News Axios keeps accusing him of wanting to use on a hurricane, so it would only stop the rain and not kill people. As everyone else at the meeting was lost for words, the president said he was only joking and he was going back to his room to go on Twitter, where his fans appreciate his sense of humor.
If asked about this, Trump will likely say it’s all fake news and he never said anything about attacking hurricanes with honey badgers or magic missiles or video game characters, but who are you going to believe: a non-accredited website which tags almost every post as “satire” and uses meme images to accompany articles, or the President of the United States of America?
Tough call, isn’t it?